Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sports Bras and Star Jumps

In mid-January I had a sit down with my personal trainer to talk about goals for this year. She asked me how hard I wanted to train and I explained that she could push me harder. On my first training session with her for 2011 she asked me if I had a good sports bra and I said “nope”. She said “you are going to need one”. After procrastinating about getting one I finally made the decision to bite the bullet and go into Avokado in Newmarket on Tuesday 22nd March…so that’s 8 weeks or so after the fact. *sigh*

I raced into the store and realised with ‘horror’ that I was going to be served by a gorgeous girl that was so much younger than me. I was mortified and seriously considered walking out. However, I figured if I did not do this now then I would probably never do it and my poor unsupported boobs would be sorry.

I explained to her what I needed and she asked what sort of exercise I would be doing. I said that I had a personal trainer that was going to push me hard, but at this stage I probably would not be running. She then asked me what size I was wearing currently. I thought “oh gee…you mean my current bra, the one missing an underwire”. Haha. NOT.

I said “well I am wearing a 24D with a bra extender” and then blushed. She said “well our sports bras only go up to 18, but we can use an extender and see how we go”.

So she found me a bra and showed me into a dressing room. When faced with a huge mirror when you are going to get half naked I was disheartened. However, she came back and asked if I needed help and I said “yes please”. She was incredibly amazing, knowledgeable and nice. I never felt uncomfortable and this girl seriously knows her shit.

I explained that I am constantly amazed that society is telling us to lose weight, but then companies do not do bigger sizes in necessary things like bras and sports clothing. She agreed and explained that she wanted a breast reduction and the doctor said “just exercise and this will reduce them” to which she replied “they do not do bras in my size to exercise”. I nearly had a face palm moment right there in the changing room.

My challenge to companies that do sports bras and workout gear….please do some bigger sizes so that we can be supported and comfortable as we start our weight loss journeys.

Anyway to cut a long story short I found a bra and ordered a second. The end result a size 18 bra with two extenders. Yes that does make me giggle a bit as well. I said to her as I was paying “should I pay for the other bra and two additional extenders now” to which she replied “no it is fine, and besides you might not even need the second extender when you get the other bra”. Her comment made me feel nice; like she believed in me and my weight loss journey.

So here is my plug….if you want beautiful bras in bigger sizes, and fabulous service then you should check out:

Now I can do proper star jumps without crossing my arms over my chest.

Monday, March 21, 2011


I feel as though I have been muzzled and cannot speak my mind whether it is an opinion or even “just a thought”.

Once upon a time I was super confident in my opinions and thoughts, but somewhere over the years my confidence has waned to the point of non-existence. I know that I have written about this before, but I have been thinking about it a lot since my second massage with Mel.

I find that I bottle my opinions and thoughts up and sometimes the way they come out is all wrong. I normally get super emotional or angry and bottle things up and then they come out in arguments, or they do not come out at all. I want to be able to speak my mind in a clear, concise way…without the emotion. Mel hit the nail on the head by explaining that I can really “own” my thoughts, opinions and I guess ultimately my “voice”. I can be calm and clear, and express my thoughts, feelings, opinions.

I think that perhaps when I started this blog that this was the way that I could express myself without the fear of recrimination. People could read my thoughts if they wanted to and comment if they wanted to. It meant that I could get my thoughts and feelings down in the way that I wanted them to be read (or heard). It meant that I would not stumble over my words, or feel pressured to get my point across in a certain amount of time. It always reminds me of an episode of Wonderfalls where Jaye is told to help a girl “get her words out”.

Even saying simple things to people stress me out. I say things over and over again in my head to see if things sound ‘right’ and not ‘aggressive’. Usually, in the end I say nothing. So from here on in I am going to “own” my thoughts etc. and try and speak with clarity and without the emotion.

Wish me luck!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Week 9 – w/c Saturday 26th February, 2011

Saturday (26/02/11) ~ Had a massage with the lovely Mel Harris and she gave me a lot to think about. Then went to Delish Cupcakes and tried their amazing ‘newish’ chocolate-caramel cupcake with mocha icing. It truly was Delish. Max had his vaccination at the vets.

Sunday (27/02/11) ~ Mark and I got up early and went to my sister’s place for homemade pancakes (made by our brother-in-law) and our nephew Kodi. We were planning to go to the Kumeu Farmers Market, but unfortunately it’s not on again until 27th March. Turns out it is a monthly market. The Coatesville market is on the 6th March; so we were already well on our way so we went to the Orewa Farmers Market. FYI the Orewa one is on EVERY weekend. Then we checked out Max the cat’s accommodation in Massey; very nice.

Monday (28/02/11) ~ Went to Milly’s Kitchen (amazing) and purchased a square ravioli cutter and citrus ‘rimmer’.

Tuesday (01/03/11) ~ Had lunch with Colleen and Anne. Purchased a FABULOUS mouse mat with wrist guard; money to go to Christchurch Earthquake fund. This seemed fitting as today marks one week since the devastating earthquake.

Wednesday (02/03/11) ~ Had a pedicure to get my toes ready for my sister’s wedding on the 12th.

Thursday (03/03/11) ~ Lollies from Christchurch arrived including Cola Rolla’s, Red & Blacks and Jelly Beans. Had dinner with my parents so we could see their finished kitchen.

Friday (04/03/11) ~ A whip for the girls on Twitter to start their day after an offhand comment about whips started a crazy conversation. Spent the evening baking fudge and cupcakes for the Delish Cupcakes Christchurch fundraiser. Very tired.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Stripped Bare

Ness in 1983 ~ a year or so before breaking my arm

I feel heartbroken for Christchurch and her people. I am heartened by the spirit of the Cantabrian people and those throughout New Zealand (and the world) that have rallied to help them; be it with rescue teams, police, financial support etc. As one person I am doing what I can to help in my own way with words of support, donations.

On the morning of the 22nd of January things were going well. Then Limpy passed away. I was devastated. He was such a beautiful little kitten and given what he had been through absolutely deserved to live. My emotions were completely raw and I drove from Te Atatu to Forrest Hill crying hysterically; I could barely even see through the tears to drive. Colleen gave me a huge hug which helped immensely and both her and Kathryn offered words of support.

I then had to drive to an appointment with Mel and there were more tears. I thought that the tears would never end. As Mel talked to me about things I started to cry; what she said touched my soul and in the coming weeks I would think back to her words. I remember the tears streaming down my face; as by that stage I could not even stop them.

For the record…I do cry. I do feel intense emotion. I feel empathy. I feel for people. I feel for animals. My heart breaks for our world that is in turmoil. That is who I am.

In the following days I felt ‘stripped bare’. I felt that every single emotion or feeling that I had was worn for the world to see. I cried in private a lot and the tears would stream silently down my cheeks as I thought about different things. These tears were cleansing tears and I needed to get them out so that I could move on.

What I realised is that my self-esteem and confidence in myself and my opinions/thoughts/feelings is at the lowest it could be. I hate mirrors and feel disgusted with myself and often shocked when I see myself in large mirrors or photos. I only like looking at myself in the car rear vision mirror. Why? In the rear vision mirror I cannot see anything from the neck down. I think in my mind I do not feel that I am as big as I look.

I hate being overweight. Why can I not switch my mind over to seriously lose weight? As Mel pointed out that sometimes weight is a protective thing. I have to say that in some respects she is right.

Before all the haters jump on the wagon and say “you are lazy, you eat too much blah, blah” please understand that while I am overweight (actually probably Obese by the BMI measure) there are a lot of emotions tied up with why I am this way as well. I am going to the gym and am looking at what I eat, and the volume that I eat. I do not eat takeaways like I used to and considering I used to have a Wendy’s chicken burger combo every single day I think I have come a long way.

I dislike blaming my past for things in my present or future; nevertheless my past has shaped who I am today. I grew up with amazing parents who loved me and a roof over my head and I experienced both good and bad things. I have been thinking a lot about why I have struggled to lose weight over the years. While some of it is because of energy in (food) and energy out (exercise) there is another wee emotional component.

When I was in standard 3 (possibly year 4 now) I broke my arm. I was climbing up a cliff face in beautiful Omapere and I lost my grip and fell backwards. I am amazed what the human brain can do in a few seconds and as I fell I remember thinking “if I fall backwards onto these rocks I am going to crack my head open”. So I twisted my body and ended up with my arm jammed between two rocks. I managed to pull my arm up and as I walked (crying) towards where we were staying I straightened my horribly bent arm. I remember crying for my father who was in Auckland and also my cousin being a bit of a drama queen (nothing new there). I remember the drive to the hospital and being given a local anaesthetic while they straightened my arm and reset it. My mum could not be in the room and her friend stayed with me. I think that parents just cannot bear to see their babies in pain. Anyway they did not put my arm in a cast in Rawene. When we came back to Auckland they did and when my arm came out of the cast it was bent.

Prior to breaking my arm I was an extremely active child and I swam a lot. With a slight bend in my arm I started to swim crooked and would often end up swimming into the lane dividers. Gradually my swimming decreased (so "bam" there goes a lot of my 'energy out'). Yes, I know there are other sports I could have played, but I did not. I played a little netball, but I did not love it like I loved swimming. Even to this day there is something so healing about the water, and I find that even now when I am down I just want to be in it. I had smaller friends who did ballet and were able to eat whatever they liked (well this is how it seemed to a 9 year old) and still remain small. What I realise now is that they were burning huge amounts of energy when they were dancing. We never really had biscuits (if we did I would eat most of the packet) or chips in the house and we had healthy, whole food. So overeating is nothing to do with my parents and everything to do with me.

Then from 14 my life really started to unravel. In retrospect turning from a child to a teenager and all those hormones going “crazy” probably did not help. Secrets came out in the open for the world to see. I had family members (not my parents) insinuate that I was lying and they questioned my memories. (At the end of the day two people in this world truly know what I happened and I am one of them). We had a family meeting which I attended for about an hour and then I walked out. I walked out because I was unable to deal with the fact that I was being called a liar and things were just going around in circles. Basically things just got fucked up and events got jumbled and some people stopped believing everything that I said. I found out later that the other person involved said something along the lines of “I did not do that because I am not attracted to her (me)”. So perhaps in some strange way I have kept myself in a state of “unattractiveness (i.e. fat)” so that no one will hurt me again because “I am not attractive”.

I figure if I can finish healing some of the old hurts (and combine this with good eating and exercise) that perhaps I will finally be the woman that I am meant to be; strong, healthy and confident. For the record I have barely cried since January and I feel stronger and better equip to deal with things.

I am a very open person and am happy to talk to most people about my life and experiences if they ask. I do not write my blogs for attention, but I write to get my thoughts out there in the universe. I write because sometimes when I speak my voice is not heard, or my words come out wrong.

The last word: I strongly believe that some dark secrets only have power if they are kept a secret.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Week 8 – w/c Saturday 19th February, 2011

Saturday (19/02/11) ~ Went to Farro for the first time. Caught up with my friend Chev and introduced her to Delish. We watched Unknown with Liam Neeson at Wairau Park; it was fabulous.

Sunday (20/02/11) ~ Went to my parents so Mark could get up in their roof and seal some holes with silicone. I wish I had taken a photo of him when he emerged…dripping wet. It was like a sauna/steam room in the roof.

Monday (21/02/11) ~ First night of our night course; very interesting. Max in a patch of sun!

Tuesday (22/02/11) ~ Day of the Christchurch earthquake; gutted for Cantabs. Went to Thai Peninsula again (no it is not déjà vu) for a friend’s birthday.

Wednesday (23/02/11) ~ Had an online meeting with the UK to clear up any questions/issues. No photo.

Thursday (24/02/11) ~ Watched a great deal of news footage from Christchurch. No photo.

Friday (25/02/11) ~ Bit of a relaxing evening with Mark watching TV. I changed my Twitter profile to one that reflects red and black for Canterbury. I also decided to do another #Cupcakes4Cantabs #CupQuake fundraising drive for the NZ Red Cross Christchurch EarthQuake Appeal.